Mind Dump and Recycle Plant

Hmm

2009-05-23T08:32:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that no one is reading this. I don't really care. Hello, massive empty space! *echoes*

Stupid blog.

All I have to report is that something's gotta give. I have nothing to do and nowhere to go and something has to change, and soon. I have to say that I have never felt quite as lost as this. I think it has to do with the fact that I "graduated" or something, and that the fact that things are truly changing has hit me. Everyone is growing up and moving on, and yet here I am, regressing. Back in with my parents, without a clue. I desperately need to meet some new people, but I am not sure how to do that. It's interesting dating someone who knows everyone and never has a spare moment when you are completely the opposite. Oh well.

Blargleblarg

2009-05-13T16:29:00.000-07:00

I do not like the male gender. Sorry guys. This does not mean that I am considering changing the direction of my swing, or get off the swing all together, but I have discovered that it is true. Men are jerks. However, this is just part of life. For some reason, someone invented male and female union to make sure that people will forever be driven to the brink of insanity. Perhaps this is a government conspiracy that intends to disallow people from forming great ideas. Nothing can be achieved because people are distracted by their mates. Also, if you are a believer in God, it's a pretty sick joke that men could, as the late and great Madeline Kahn put it, "have sex with a tree." It is true. As we all know, men can disassociate sex with emotions, while the majority of women cannot. This causes a lot of tension and a lot of heartache. What were you thinking, God? Thanks, dude. Also, women seem to have the ability to hold onto things for sentimental reasons, such as calendar dates, movie tickets and smelly socks. Men, however, forget. A whole bunch. They like to do it, eat, fart and sleep. So, why do we seek each other out? Why do we pair off and put up with each other? I really do not have a clue, do you? At a time when the divorce-rate is at an all time high, we should be asking ourselves these questions: What is holding this union together? Am I merely led to believe that this is what I am supposed to be doing? Do I really want a doer, farter, eater and sleeper dictating how I will live my short life? I read this quote the other day, and it said, basically, that two people find commonalities, such as weirdness, and bounce off of each other's weirdness and find a comfort zone and feel less, well, "weird." We end up calling this "love." Does love exist? What is love? Are we all paired up merely for reproductive reasons? Everyone should read "Brave New World" and tell me what they think. It will all make sense.

No, I'm not bitter. And yes, I still like my boyfriend, even though he is a MAN. I don't discriminate against genetic disorders.

Ok, maybe I am bitter. But, I blame this on Disney for making all of us girls believe that a prince would sweep us off of our feet one day. I am thinking "class action lawsuit" right about now.

The 1960s is also a jerk. This was the time where the fact that sex is"expected" came about. This puts a lot of pressure on girls. If you don't give in, you'll get dumped. This is not always the case, but it does happen - a lot. Sure, men have always had "urges", but it was the societal norm before the 60s that a couple would "wait" until marriage. First comes love, then comes marriage, THEN comes *cough cough nudge nudge* ... right? Wrong. Not any more. First comes date, then comes *nudge nudge*, then possibly comes love... *End*. Now these things are expected as soon as the third date... or first? Yeah, it's not right, but I'm sure most girls out there have fallen victim to this. We need a little spirit of the 1950s in us. Just say "no." This development has also led to declines in commitment. Why buy the cow if you can get milk for free, right? Exactly.

With all of this harboured cynism, is it any wonder that I expect to be a cat lady?

P.S. Sorry to all the nice guys out there. You are rare, and I commend you.

Tattoos?

2009-04-08T17:52:00.001-07:00

See that? That's Kurt Vonnegut's asshole. At least, it's an asshole he drew in his book Breakfast of Champions. I loved the book and its randomness, particularly the appearance of the asshole. He introduces it as such: "I am programmed at fifty to person childishly - to insult "The Star-Spangled Banner," to scrawl pictures of a Nazi flag and an asshole and a lot of other things with a felt-tipped pen. To give an idea of the maturity of my illustrations for this book, here is my picture of an asshole."

I want this tattooed on my body. I am aware that others will have it - this is not an attempt to be "original." That's a big problem with tattoos - there are always going to be duplicates, and there will always be tattoo snobs that insist that your tattoo choices are cliche and overdone. Screw them all, I say! I like this asshole. It makes me smile, and sort of defines my love of randomness and shock value. I also love Vonnegut and literature in general, so I find it very fitting. The question is where should I put it? I was thinking on the back on my neck, closer to the hairline, for easy coverage. I also think it would look cute. There is also the wrist. Any thoughts?

I just think it would be neat to have my hair in a ponytail one day. Someone will ask, "oh! cute! is that a star?" and I shall reply "no, asshole." They will be shocked and hurt since they shall think that I meant that he or she was an asshole! BRILLIANT! I shall then wait for a moment or two, waiting for tears to form, then I will correct myself and say, "oh, haha. Nuno. It's a picture of Kurt Vonnegut's asshole" ... to which they will reply, "ohh, well that makes sen - erm, nice..."

I can't wait.

I was also thinking about cherry blossoms and bird tattoos. How do you folk out there in semi-tattoo land feel about those? Are they, as we are told, "cliche"? Not that I care too much... I think they look nice... however, would I, in fact, be a fool? I appreciate any input, if anyone actually reads this. :)

P.S. I want to get this tattoo this summer. It is a present to myself for finishing my English degree.

Fried Chicken

2009-04-07T13:32:00.000-07:00

Now that I am moved back into St. Albert and am experiencing the joys of inter-city commuting, I am finding myself spending entire days at school. This has become a necessity, as it seems pointless to drive back home when I would have to turn around and come back upon arriving. My situation as of late has also required me to eat cafeteria food once again. Though the food has gotten slightly better, I still cringe at last year's memories. I digress.

Today I have a chicken wrap for lunch, and I even substituted the "complimentary" french fries for a salad! How healthy of me, right? Just like Jared from Subway, I am determined to increase my health and lessen my girth with healthy choices. Wraps are normally considered to be such a choice. Little by little, I am destroying the fatty barriers of grease and am becoming a better person because of it. I felt pretty good about myself, needless to say. It was very tasty too, I must add. I bit into it. The lettuce was fresh, the tomatoes were ripe, the tortilla was soft, the chicken was battered and crunchy... wait a minute. Shit. "I am eating a fried chicken sandwich," I thought at that moment, as my mouth watered with McMemories. I was duped, played the fool. I was broken and battered and served on a bun, er, a tortilla shell. It occurred to me that a lot of people are fooled by carefully chosen words and the power of suggestion. This does go without saying, but when it comes to food and girth, it really does "stick out." Our McCulture seems to be under the impression that anything in a tortilla is healthy. While they do contain less carbs, what lies inside still finds its way into your gut. Wraps seem to have mystical powers of sorts - whatever goes inside of them disappears. MAGIC. CHOMP. Even Jared from Subway, obesity's role model, is a culprit in this glorious scheme; because of his misleading ads, a 450 pound man eating a meatball sub might be under the impression that he is losing weight. Of course, this could also mean that people are stupid, myself included. That definitely has something to do with it. Maybe we should just wrap every fat person in a tortilla shell; then, they'll all magically be healthy again! North America's obesity epidemic shall be averted, just you wait!

*stomach grumbles*

Here's the deal.

2009-03-22T15:22:00.000-07:00

I'm mainly writing this as a tool for venting. I doubt anyone cares. The ones who already know everything are the ones that do give somewhat of a crap, but I doubt the rest of you will give this a read. Oh well. Here goes...

I moved out of my house. The one that I was staying at for the school year. Why? Well, it was a bad situation. Everything seemed cool up until the new year - then all hell broke loose. Let's call the person in question here "Gaylord" to avoid any "slander", since Gaylord seems to love to quote the law at any opportunity he gets, despite the fact that he often reveals that he really has no clue how the legal system works.

Gaylord started off the new year by "getting up in my grill" about chores. He is over six-feet-tall, and thought it would be effective to hang over me, glare at me with his dead, zombie eyes and say, "what is it YOU'RE going to do this week?" Needless to say, I got angry. No one treats me like a child... except for my mom. She'll never cut that out. I ended up storming up to my room. After this, other needless events occurred. It was very high school and very pointless. Gaylord got madder, and my other roommate and I got more frustrated. Gaylor even unplugged our freezer during his renos, and refused to pay up for the food he destroyed. Apparently he is responsible for nothing. Eventually, we had "meetings" with Gaylord in his "office", since he is a high and mighty business man. I brought to light the fact that we, as tenants, do not have to do chores. Our cleaning up was simply a favour. He didn't get that. Up until that point, my roommate and I had been Gaylord's personal maids, his zookeepers (animal care) and personal assistants. It had to stop. Instead of talking it out, like a human being, Gaylord began his threats. Since I had told him I would be out in March, he insisted that he could take me to court and force me to pay for April. He then blackmailed me into doing chores for the remaining time I was there, to which I agreed, since I didn't know the legal system. It turns out he was wrong. Needless to say, I slacked on the chores. So did my roommate. While it is obvious that one should clean up after themselves, we saw no reason to pick up after him and scrub his piss off of the toilet seat. The tension got stronger and stronger, though my roommate and I did nothing to cause it. Gaylord got anal about the lights being on, as he blamed us for a high energy bill. Then, this past Monday, it happened. My roommate and Gaylord got into a fight. Gaylord's brother, Liesel, was also there, and I in the corner of the room, minding my own business. The fight was about lizard good, nonetheless. Gaylord ended up intimidating my roommate, and she smacked him. I would have done the same thing. Later that day, Gaylord imposed a threatening letter on my roommate. She was to get out of the house in 24 hours, due to her actions. Upon hearing this, I informed him that I as well would be out sooner than previously discussed. He agreed. I was scheduled to leave this past Friday at 4 p.m. He offered to refund me the rest of the month's rent and I agreed. On Thursday night, he gave me the check, and I left for Vance's house for a few hours. When I got back, Gaylord had locked the "new" lock on the backdoor, making it impossible for me to get in. I called him, banged on the door and yelled - no answer. I have never cursed and screamed so much in my entire life. I then, at last resort, sliced open the front screen door with my keys and managed to get into the house. I then cursed Gaylord's name and proceeded to move all of my junk out. Before leaving, I wrote Gaylord a note that basically said "Good luck in life - you'll need all the luck you can get. Good riddance." I was done with the whole ordeal at 3:30 a.m. when I arrived safe and sound at my parent's house. I slept eventually, but was rudely woken up at 7:50 a.m. with a text message from Gaylord, "How would you feel if you were convicted with breaking and entering," he said. I panicked. Could I be charged? How? Why? I wrote him back arguing the fact, and that he should not have locked me out. I called the police, and they told me that it was my right to do what I did. I felt better after that. He hasn't attempted any legal proceedings thus far, but if he does, I know that the cops are on my side. However, I know he will cancel my check for refunded rent. If he does so, you better believe I will take him to small claims court. Anyway, that's that. I am now at the parent's house, facing tons of garbage bags full of hastily-packed stuff. I have no drive to deal with it at the moment.

I would also like to mention that my parent's might be moving to BC. My Dad has been interviewed for a few jobs there, and it's looking optimistic. It may not happen at this point, but you never know. If he is to get one of the jobs, they will be out of Alberta by July 1st. This leaves me in a predicament. While I am an adult, and can make my own decisions, I am unable to support myself due to school and was planning on living with my family over the summer. I wanted to get out of the hole, and move out again with a stronger financial plan. So, my options are to go with them, or stay here and live like a pauper. What to do? I want to leave here badly, but do not want to uproot myself immediately. I DO have friends here... I DO have a boyfriend. At this point, they are the only reason I am wanting to stick around - mainly Vance. However, this is putting "pressure" on Vance, which also sucks. It makes him feel bad, and me feel worse. No good. I guess it's times like this that shine the light on every aspect of your life. I don't like it. Either way, if this happens, I might be looking for a cheap room to rent, or even a corner in a basement. I might still move with my parents, however. We shall have to see how this all pans out. Of course, this may not even be an issue. Even so, the idea of moving has made me think about a lot of things, and in turn, question a lot of things. Life's a bitch.

On top of this, I am searching for a job, but to no avail. I suspect I might have a hard time finding one this year. I hope it happens. I also have school to deal with. Shoot me. I am not meaning for this to be a "woe is me" sorta deal, but I just needed to vent, and inform anyone who cares what it is that's going on with me. Here it is. If you read this, thanks for caring.

Motionless.

2009-03-19T10:34:00.000-07:00

At what point do we admit that you aren't going anywhere? How long should you let things go until you realize that they're for naught? How many years out of high school do you have to be before you admit that you messed it all up?

When will I realize that this is my reality, and it's never going to change?

Yay movies!

2009-03-01T11:09:00.000-08:00

I think I'm sick. This stinks. I have been relatively healthy for the entire school year, and now I have some sort of dry-yet-mucousy cough. Bleh. I will go to the doctor in a couple of days if it doesn't clear up.

***Slight spoiler alert -- stop reading if you haven't seen "He's Just Not That Into You"***

Anyway, I went to go see "He's Just Not That Into You" last night with Christine. I am loving girly movies more and more in my "old age", and this is one of the better chick flicks I've seen in a long time. These sorts of movies are fun to see in the theater, because the sea of women always react in unison. For instance, when Ben Affleck was explaining to Jennifer Aniston why it was he didn't believe in marriage, the whole audience was going "PFFFFT!" Clearly that struck a chord. I, like many women, know that speech. There was also an audible "Oooohhhh..." when Bradley Cooper LIED to Jennifer Connelly REPEATEDLY and continued to sleep with the babeilicious Scarlett Johansson. We all also synchronzingly squirmed when Ginnifer Goodwin kept on reading too much into Jason Long's actions. For instance, Christine had her coat over her face and I kept exclaiming, "oh, nnno!" In the end, though, when Ben Affleck proposed to Jennifer Aniston because he wanted her to be happy, the lot of us squealed with happiness -- that is, except for the high school girls in the front row. Clearly they thought his proposal was lame, but the rest of us thought it was pretty good. What do you expect, fireworks? Get real. I thought it was pretty good. I would probably melt into a puddle of puppies and hearts if that were me. At this point, the estrogen levels were at an all-time high. I'm pretty sure there was a single tear in my eye, and Christine and I had a "moment", despite the movie's claim that those named "Christine" do NOT, in fact, put out.

That part was probably my favorite... part... of the movie. I am the ultimate girl, clearly. I thought it was neat because, at the beginning of the movie, you thought "Ohh, Ben Affleck is such a tool! I can't believe Jennifer Aniston is FALLING for that!" His droning on and on about marriage being an "institutiuon" and "pointless" clearly angered many of us. As the movie continued, however, it became more and more clear that the common-law relationship between the two A's was the strongest. Bradley Cooper, who "stepped up" and married Jennifer Connelly, ended up being the tool when he cheated and began smoking secretly. It was made clear that this relationship closed the deal far too soon ; an ultimatum was presented and the man folded. Nice results, eh? Anyway, Ben Affleck was the most committed, despite the fact that he didn't want to seal the deal. Though I personally would not put up with a "no wedding" deal for going on 10 years, I think it was a great that they pointed out what was truly important in a relationship. You have to be READY for that commitment. There is no set time to tie the knot, and there is no point in "putting on the show" if the feelings and ideas aren't fully developed. Like I said, in the end, the two did end up getting married, because Jennifer Aniston came to the realization that just being together was the most important thing. Ben Affleck, still knowing that this was secretly important to her, married Jennifer Aniston because "he couldn't even begin to be happy if she wasn't". This is the first time ever that I have liked Ben Affleck. I think I shat a rainbow in my jeans.

Another highlight of the night was the fact that my bra was still on the barbed-wire fence next door to the theater. On Friday the 13th, when Vance and I saw... Friday the 13th... my bra was killing me, so I sneakily removed it and shoved it in my purse. Upon getting back to my car when the movie had ended, I realized that I hated it, and I threw it on the fence. I can't believe that it is still there after two weeks. Amazing. I'm going to keep checking up on the lil' guy, or girl, and see how "its" doing from time to time. I took a picture for your viewing pleasure (to the left).

Remember, he's just not that into you, but sometimes he might be. If you're in doubt, get rid of your bra and be free. Good advice.

P.S. Jennifer Connelly clearly should have sprung at David Bowie's proposition. Spandex, royalty and eternal, in the literal sense, obsession and love? Yes please.

Buh

2009-02-14T12:03:00.000-08:00

You know, if you want to change the world, you'll have to like, do something. By that, I mean you can't just point your finger and shout "biggot" whenever anyone opens their mouth and expresses an opinion. I may not believe that anything and everything should be acceptable, but that does not make me narrow-minded. Listen to what I have to say; perhaps I make a valid point. Listen to my reasoning; maybe we can come to a new conclusion and move forward rather than staying just as we are. In your efforts to be seen as a bleeding-heart, open-minded, new-age guru, you are becoming the ignorant individual that you have accused me of being. You can't change the world by saying nothing at all. Political correctness has its limits, and we, my dear, have hit a wall.

And sometimes, the 80s make a comeback and brighten your day...

2009-02-13T10:19:00.000-08:00

Hey, hey, hey ,hey
Ohhh...

Won't you come see about me?
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby

Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out and
Love's strange so real in the dark
Think of the tender things that we were working on

Slow change may pull us apart
When the light gets into your heart, baby

Don't You Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You Forget About Me

Will you stand above me?
Look my way, never love me
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down

Will you recognise me?
Call my name or walk on by
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down, down

Hey, hey, hey, hey
Ohhhh.....

Don't you try to pretend
It's my feeling we'll win in the end
I won't harm you or touch your defenses
Vanity and security

Don't you forget about me
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby
Going to take you apart
I'll put us back together at heart, baby

Don't You Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You Forget About Me

As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
When you walk away

Or will you walk away?
Will you walk on by?
Come on - call my name
Will you all my name?

I say :
La la la...

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

There are no words, yet there is so much to say.

2009-02-10T21:08:00.000-08:00

Has anyone ever heard of ashleymadison.com? Basically, it's a website for attached individuals to (secretly) have a little fun on the side. Though these people are "in happy relationships" - to which they would like to remain a part of - they feel that they need a sexual boost and seek it in the beds of strangers. Personally, I believe that these problems should be discussed in a therapist's chair with one's other half. Their slogan, "Life is short. Have an affair." has struck a chord with many, and while some, like myself, react with disgust, it almost seems as though the majority of the world thinks this is just the bee's knees. This is what the media would have us believe, anyway.

While the divorce rate has sky-rocketed in the past 50 years, the marriage rate has stayed steady and even increased in recent years. Apparently, it is "fashionable" to put on the big to-do. The white dress, the gourmet dinner, the flowers and the all-around ambiance are what every girl, at some point, dreams of. Perhaps we have been to focused on what we are presenting, and have not been paying enough attention to what we are doing - what we are living. We are so concerned about "Bridezillas" and having our last "flings" that we have totally missed the point. Marriage, common-law, whatever you want to call it, isn't a part-time job. It isn't a temporary situation. It isn't a reason to feel "shackled" and inhibited. Those who feel that this "institution" is, in fact, a prison, do not deserve the benefits of such an arrangement. Personally, I would rather stay alone for the rest of my life than "trap" a man and manipulate him to remaining in my clutches. I want it to be real, complete and forever. Mind, body and soul should be shared when uniting with another, and the lowest blow anyone can make is to betray that trust. Sure, the sex may lack at times, but that is just part of it. Take the good with the bad, the sweet with the sour. Accept your mate's flaws and accept that things might not always feel exciting and new. If your urges overcome your faithfulness, then let your partner know. You don't deserve to be in a committed relationship if you resort to an affair. Don't get me wrong, you are definitely scum, but your saving grace will be your honesty.

Upon hearing about this website, I signed up a fake account to check it out. There are a lot of singles on there, which is a different story entirely, but the website is overrun by married persons - mostly middle-aged men. Disclaimer: I did NOT sign up on this website to indulge! I merely decided to venture onto a sociological study. I know I am not a sociologist, but at times I think that it would be a great job. I digress. I logged onto this website, merely stated that I was a 22-year-old female in the Edmonton area, and immediately became flooded with "winks" and requests to chat. Men twice my age - men who could have fathered me - asked the most intimate details right off the bat. Even men my own age, freshly married, still honeymooning, initiated conversations. Talk about an onslaught of pork-swords. The virtual essence of testosterone was sickening and overwhelming. After being on the website for no more than five minutes, I wrote to every single one of my "admirers" that they should be ashamed of themselves that they were f*cking disgusting!!! This was part vigilante and part scared little girl. However you want to look at it, it felt good. Though, my opinion of the world changed, once again. How can this be acceptable? I picture the wives and husbands of these people cleaning the kitchen while this happens in the next room. The children are playing in the background, the TV is at a silent murmur, the dog is chewing a new pair of shoes. Daddy is getting his jollies off in the office. How sickening. How typical of our world today.

I logged back onto this website months later - a week ago - to show a friend what I was talking about. We had a conversation about infidelity, and this notorious website was brought up. This time around, my friend went along with the incoming conversations and joked around. These guys were so blind with hormones that they couldn't see past our sarcasm. Our mailbox had over 30 messages - some with "keys" to users' private pictures. One of these pictures included a 50-year-old man, stark naked. I really didn't want to see that. Couldn't I copy this image and post it on the Internet? Surely your wife, daughter, son or great aunt Mildred will see it - then where would you be? I also ignored another user's advances, which prompted them to call me names. I then simply told him to tell his wife that I said "hi". I then deleted the account. End of "research". End of faith in humanity.

I know my "experiment" was strange, but I had to see this thing for myself. I truly thought it was a joke at first. Has our society crumbled so much that this sort of thing is now acceptable? Is monogamy such a joke that we have declared infidelity to be the norm? I might not be able to castrate every man in the world and scare him into working things out with the wifey, but I can talk about something like this and encourage those in "unfulfilled" situations to seek help, and not in the adulterous sense. Choose your lifestyle and stick with it. Set an example for the next generation and the peers in your own time.

Uphold the shreds of morality that remain in this world.

Dramadramadrama... blah blah blah

2009-02-06T12:31:00.000-08:00

I doubt anyone really reads this at this point, but I would just like to point out that there's a distiniction between "not taking bullshit" and simply being a complete b*tch. Sometimes you have to set aside your pride and realize that you are nothing more than a loud-mouthed, obnoxious and elitist soul sucker. Please stop talking. Thank you. That is all.

Gotta get it together...

2009-02-05T15:14:00.000-08:00

Okay, so here are some overdue New Year's Resolutions/necessary habit changes that I need to write down:

1. Catch up on readings. It's my last semester of my 3-year BA; I can't flub it up now...

2. Speaking of which, stop skipping class. This is important.

3. Move on. Forget about all the crap that's been going on. I've been pulled down to High School caliber and it's not cool.

4. On that note, it's time once again to cut the negative influences out of my life. This includes "friends" that use, abuse and manipulate. I have always been a people-pleaser. Users prey on people like me; this is my downfall.

5. Learn from my mistakes. No more unnecessary shitty situations.

6. Accept what I cannot change and embrace what I have.

7. Lighten up.

8. After I am caught-up with schoolwork, I am going to start getting in shape. This won't be drastic immediately, but I want to start before May, anyway.

9. Pay more attention to my family and true friends. I am done with exerting effort to please the people that won't be there for me later in life (or next week, even).

10. Stop being so hard on myself.

11. Stop watching TV. I hereby limit myself to Y&R and one other show per day, if that; this is barring unforeseen circumstances, of course.

12. Focus on what I'm good at - develop the skills that I posses and forget trying to force myself into things that I have little or no ability at.

13. Start going to church once and a while.

14. Drink more water - drink less pop.

15. Eat better.

16. Stop worrying and pushing people away in the process.

17. Get myself out of this funk without the aid of prescription drugs or other costly endeavours.

18. Enjoy the present, but look ahead and plan wisely. Figure out where it is I want to go overseas.

19. Pursue the following things this year:

a) Perhaps lifeguard certification? This could coincide with the need to exercise. Here, I'd get fit, earn a skill that might get me a fun job overseas, learn CPR and first aid and have fun.

b) I would like to take a few horseback riding lessons. I think it would be neat.

c) Learn French. I might go on an intense immersion thinger.

d) Learn how to parallel park between TWO cars.

e) Get a writing job of some sort, even if it's only very, very part-time.

f) Do some volunteer work. Maybe at the SPCA? Maybe at the Mustard Seed? If the opportunity came up again, I would also love to take part in a short-tern foreign-aid trip.

20. Build new relationships and strengthen the ones that I already have.

21. Stop letting jerks and the "little things" get to me.

22. Continue to worry about others and live to help them, but keep a focus on myself first and foremost so that I can continue to function normally.

23. Spend less time on the internet.

That's all that I can think of now. It makes me feel better to write it down.

Can't wait for spring

2009-02-04T12:01:00.000-08:00

I may not know a whole lot, but I know now for sure that life never turns out how you expect it to. This can be a good thing or a bad thing.

I expected that I would have been to Australia by now. So much for that!

I never in a million years thought Vance and I would date again, and for as long as we have, but there you have it. It happened. The summer we hooked up also turned out to be a great one, despite the fact that I got mono and fired from Hole's; these two facts, I think, are co-related.

I never expected to run off to Greece in Fall 2006 an take a TESOL course; I also didn't predict that I wouldn't ever use it.

I expected going to Concordia to be an enlightening experience - and, well, it has in a sense. Though, it's been eye-opening for completely different reasons.

I wanted to go to a smaller University because I figured it would be easier to feel "a part of it". The University of Alberta seemed too anonymous.... Too big; too elitist. Now, I crave that environment. I feel like I have regressed back to my high school days. I also thought that going to a Christian college would solidify my beliefs and make me feel closer to the God that I want to believe in, but I have gone completely the other way. I am disillusioned with the majority of the "religious" folk at my school and am even farther away from attending a church regularly. I have realized that you cannot rely on other people to help you figure out what you believe; it is truly personal. I also have never in my life felt more immoral. In general, I am not much of a wild child, but I feel like the school's coke-head. I guess I have learned once and for all that I cannot and will not be told what to do. I cannot swallow everything and accept things blindly. I feel frustrated and let-down, but it was a lesson that needed to be learned. I just never expected to learn it this way. I also don't know what to do with this experience. I truly am lost in this part of my life.

I never expected to live with two people and want nothing more than to get the hell out. I always told myself that I would choose wisely when picking roommates and living situations, but I didn't. Here I am, stuck. I am here until the end of March, and I might be here minus one roommate until then, and I want nothing more than to crawl back to my parent's house and wave my white flag of surrender. I never expected to be living with my parent's at 23.

I never expected to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. I never intended to allow the same types of destructive people in my life, but here I am. I let them in. They take and they leave. When will I let this end? I am vowing now, after March 31st, to block these people out once and for all.

I never expected to be the person that I am today, and I can't decide sometimes if I like her.

I see some people living the life I thought I would have and it stinks. I wonder if I would have been able to become that, or if I am just me. I wonder if I am who I was meant to be or if I became a half-assed, unfinished version of myself. I wonder what this all means and where it's going.

I also think about this person I expected to be and, at times, despise her life. I think if I had turned out how I expected to, I would hate some parts of myself and be bored. Although, I'm pretty bored now. I can't win.

I see my life as some sort of movie or novel. Every chapter has to have something different - something more. I cannot merely exist. I feel unsettled. Whatever I was meant to find is still out there, or I have missed it. I have no idea what to do next! Any ideas?

I am trying to think of a witty anecdote to tie this all in together, but I am at a loss. I guess I have just learned that my next step should be to be rid of any future expectations. This might sound sad, but it isn't. I think I would be a much happier person if I had no pre-conceived notions. Live and let live; see where the wind takes you, and all that jazz.

Depending on how things go in the next few months, I may be gone for a full year come the fall. We shall see what surprises await, or what doesn't happen and stays the same. I'm not going to predict either.

All I know is that, for the first time in my life, I have no idea which direction to take. I can't decide if it feels good or not. I expect that I'll find out.

Gross

2008-10-15T12:58:00.001-07:00

A smiling foreign student approached my desk as I sat alone at work. I smiled back, stood up and approached him. I figured he wanted to check a book out, or ask some sort of directional question that I could mark on our "directional questions asked" tally sheet. My love for stats is indescribable, so I won't describe it. I'll leave that to your imagination. He lifted his right hand up into my field of vision. What he had in his hand was not a book... it was brown and mesh. He had it sprawled over his five digits and it was as taut as it could be. It was a hair net.

"I found this!" he said, grinning.

"Great..." I said, more than likely sporting a look of disgust. "Just throw it away. It's probably from the cafeteria." The student kept on grinning and admired his hand for a few seconds.

"No, I think I will keep it," he gushed, and off he went with his hair net.

I immediately had visions of him performing puppet shows in parks and street corners. Environmentalists would appreciate his reuse of a disposable item, which, in turn, would interest the federal government. The CBC network would then present him on prime time television, and children would grow to love a new found hero with its lack of bells and whistles.

To think I missed my chance to make it after all.

Bored in Canadian Literature...

2008-10-09T14:19:00.000-07:00

So in Canadian Literature today, I decided to not pay attention. I practiced my French, which is apparently terrible, and I did a writing prompt (where you write for one minute straight without stopping) ... enjoy! Or, not! Whatever!

***

In the margin of my notebook:

Dix minutes! J'ai le besoin du diner. Son Mari est beau.

Je me mange. Je suis desole. Est ce que tu es une vache? Tu es grand. Je vais manger ton bras.

Je me lave apres le diner, parce que je joue avec les enfants dan l'ecole avant ...

Chantons!

Qu'est ce que c'est? C'est une professeur. Le professeur est sur la table.

*** Which translates into... ***

Ten minutes! I need the diner. Her Husband is nice.

I is served. I am sorry. Is what you are a cow? You are big. I am going to eat your arm.

I wash the diner after, because I play with the children in the school before...

Let us sing!

What is it? It is one professor. The professor is on the table.

Writing Prompt:

Once upon a time there was a leper named Leeroy. He obviously lived in a leper colony, one which was on an isolated island on the outskirts of Crete's waters. Every day was the same. Leeroy always thanked Zeus (yes, Greek mythology is still prominent in leper colonies) that he still had most of his fingers. He was a locksmith, you see. Yes indeed, spent his life opening the doors and passage ways of forgetful lepers all over the land. You might be asking yourself why lepers even need locks. Do they not share everything.... including disease? That is a very narrow point of view. You should be ashamed. Leeroy hopes you get leprosy and die. Jerk.

Sometimes... sometimes...

2008-09-18T16:59:00.000-07:00

What is it with males? Yes, I'm going to go there. Deal with it. Men seem to have this whimsical notion that things magically clean themselves.

"Crap, I pissed all over the toilet seat.... oh well!"

(4 hours later)

"Wow! It's all clean! Look at that porcelain shine! Thanks a lot plunger pixies!"

...

Dishes will stack, beds will remain unmade, mold with flourish and disease will spread, yet the typical male will not notice a thing. Either he is lazy, enjoys living in filth or expects a woman to do the job. I realize that the latter may strike a nerve in many, but really, people, it's true. Whether they are aware of it or not, a lot of males expect to have a mother figure their entire lives. They can go off and do what they do, dirtying things along the way, and expect things to mysteriously replenish and renew. What is up with that??

You know, I know that a lot of guys these days are "anti-marriage" for one reason or another. They're scared of commitment, loss of opportunity, loss of youth... whatever. There are many stupid reasons out there that women are expected to swallow. As a woman, however, I can see the benefit in remaining unmarried. For one thing (and one very important thing) you WOULD NOT have to clean up after a slob your entire life. That sounds pretty tempting.

Don't get me wrong, though, I am aware that there are guys out there who do their fair share of chores. There are good people out there (I try to remind myself of this). I also admit that I have been a slob in the past, but now that I am moved out I am now finding myself more adamant about cleanliness. I also admit that I DO want to get married and have that joy one day. However, I will not put up with a slack-assed jerk who expects me to pick up his socks all while singing merry songs of ignorant bliss. Kiss my ass, douchefags.

This angry post has been brought to you by PMS.

Good evening.

Fart noise.

2008-09-15T10:54:00.000-07:00

I got lost coming home today. My school is a 3 minute drive away, and I got lost. I am such an effing dumbass sometimes. I also got lost yesterday. I ended up driving around the city for nearly two hours before I decided to give up on my destination and go to St. Albert. I spent the night in St. Albert and drove to school this morning. After getting through the gridlock on 82nd Street (which lasted for half an hour), I went the wrong way. I have no idea where I am, ever. Sometimes I wonder if I should keep attempting to function in society, or if I should just screw it all and either commit myself or live in a wine cellar and scare little children as they wander by.

I am skipping class right now. Again. Great start to the year, hey? Clearly the fact remains that I don't really want to be in school. I don't care about it enough. I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb at school, too. Who knows if I have a reason to think that. Either way, it stinks. I was waiting for class to start in the library computer lab (I have to wait an hour). I was facebooking about and looking at comics, when the lab monitor told me to either leave or do something productive. I really would have loved to declare that I am paying good money to use the computers and that what I use them for in my lull times is my business (especially when the lab isn't full), but I didn't. I tried to be productive, but ended up leaving. I decided to skip class, too, because I just didn't give an ass-rat.

Now, I am listening to U2 and looking out the window. It's beautiful and sunny out and the day is just begging to be discovered. I feel like being productive, yet I am not. Maybe it's because I don't consider finishing my schoolwork productive. What needs doing? I'm not sure. But, I'm pretty sure major changes would have to be made to get these things done; inside and out.

Another blog.

2008-09-11T15:36:00.000-07:00

So, I deleted my old blog a little while ago. I got rid of it because I realized that I was only really writing negative things. While I do spend a lot of my time enjoying life, I failed to share that, and people started to think that I was terribly unhappy all of the bloody time. This isn't the case, and my blog should reflect that. Now, don't get me wrong, there will still be ranting if I feel that it is needed... and yes, there will be the occasional "emo" moments. BUT, for your benefit, I will colour code these so that you know what to expect. Therefore, you can choose whether or not you want to read it :)

Purple shall be poetry

Blue shall be saaaaaad

Green shall be short stories/story ideas

Black shall be everything else. Like, a message like this, for instance. Probably ranting, or talking about my day. So, if you wouldn't like to hear about my day, or how people suck, avoid the black, people.

Anyway(s), I mainly made a new blog to do some creative writing. We shall see how this goes. But, while I have your attention, I want to tell you about my belly.

It's too big.

I am trying to diet, but it's not going very well. The other day, I went to the cafeteria to buy a quick lunch. I instinctively reached for a pizza pop... however, I stopped myself and read the back. Eighteen percent of my daily fat intake? I don't think so! I put it down. Next, I tried a chicken Caesar pita wrap. It looked pretty healthy. To my dismay, however, I realized that it was also, in fact, the same fat content as the pizza pop. I put it down. I thought I was going to starve to death, I found a salad gleaming in the darkness. Salads are healthy, right? So, I bought the salad. With the salad, came a packet of ranch dressing. I love ranch dressing. I used the entire thing... it turns out that that packet of ranch dressing had more fat content than the pizza pop and wrap combined. *sigh*

Well, I'm at work. So I should cut this out. Bye!